Dodge Neons, Street Racing, an Obvious Lie, and the Mad Kazoo

Driving down the street today, I was startled when the car in the lane next to me accelerated and made what can only be described as a very loud kazoo noise.  Right away, I was a bit worried that I was under attack by some sort of vindictive clown posse.  Or perhaps the old man street performer that I had stiffed for a tip last week after enjoying his merry kazoo ensemble for free had finally tracked me down.

To my surprise, it was a race car!  A race car!  Right on the street!  It was a race car!  No, it wasn’t your typical race car with a big engine and a shitload of horse power.  It wasn’t overly aerodynamic, but it was clearly sporty.  It didn’t appear to be used in actual races at some sort of race track.  However, I swear to God it was a race car.

As it zoomed away from me at a breakneck street race speed of more than 53 mph, I was able to catch a quick glimpse of the model.  It was something exotic and it took several minutes for it to register – one because I was awestruck by the coolness of the notion that a real-life racecar just passed me.  I am not totally sure, but I think it said “Dodge Neon”.

Wow.  I mean, fucking wow!  A Dodge Neon in sleepy little Fishers, IN!  What great fortune I had!  Do you not understand how exotic these are?  List price: $14,000.  That’s a “14” and 3 “0’s”!  And believe me, it wasn’t just a stock outfit.  It had a spoiler which was clearly needed because of the breakneck speeds that these things can travel at.  Spinner wheels…not your typical Dodge Neon wheel choice.  Glass pack exhaust to enhance the “Mad Kazoo” sound effects.  A vanity plate that said “zoom” or something.   And, because I am sure that the driver’s comfort is crucial during long distance races, the seats appear to be upgraded to “racin’ seats”. 

Come on d-bags.  When is this fashion statement going to end?  I know there are a select few of you that are true gear heads that like the lighter car bodies because they tend to be faster.  I know a few of you put forth a lot of time, money, and effort to actually build a race car.  Props to you if you are a true street racer.  Now, that said, the rest of you yahoos need to stop it!  Nobody believes you have a supped up engine in an $8 Dodge Neon frame that looks like, well, an $8 Dodge Neon frame.

I would even be okay if you wanted to build a rocket.  I would be happy for you if you were able to go fast.  I would be ecstatic if you were able to impress the parking lot queens from the local Walmart with your piece of shit cars.  I don’t even care that you look like fucking retards and everyone else on the road is secretly laughing at you (we’re not stupid, we know what a Dodge Neon is).  Way to go! 

Here’s where I draw the line: when you enhance the exhaust to boost the stock Dodge Neon engine from 8 horsepower to 9 horsepower and cause me to be startled while I drive my non-“racecar”.   That’s where I draw the line.  When I’m sitting in my house and you rev your “mad kazoo” powered engine and wake my kids, that’s where I have a problem. 

Why do you have to be kazoo players anyway?  Would it not be cool to be stealthy?  Think how cool it would be to silently pass the grandmother in the Cadillac….errrrrrr…..other race car…in front of you?  She wouldn’t know what hit her!  Are you compensating?  Is it because you are driving a Dodge Neon?  Are you embarrassed by your small pecker?  You figure if you install the Kazoo Exhaust we will be mesmerized and forget about the fact that your top speed is 55 mph with the wind behind you?

Nobody is buying it.  The jig is up.  We are pretty sure you are all closet homosexuals.  You are most certainly irritating idiots.  Perhaps if you stopped buying “upgrades” for your Dodge Neons you could afford a real fucking car.  

Attention Members of Facebook: Just Because the Little Box at the Top of the Page Asks “What’s on Your Mind” Does NOT Mean You Have to Answer

Read Time: 6 Minutes

A quick scan of my Facebook produced the following knowledge:

Two friends are on their way to work.

One friend is on their way home from work.

Another is going to bed.

One is eating oatmeal.

And five are glad it’s Friday…TGIF.

There were other updates that were slightly more or, surprisingly, less interesting than these gems.  Let me ask you guys something: why?

This is becoming an increasingly disturbing epidemic among social networks like Facebook, Twitter, and MySpace (provided MySpace is still in business...way too screw the pooch on that one, Murdoch).  This may seem frivolous to some, but I'm telling you it's a serious problem.

TGI fucking F???…that’s not fresh!  Uncle Jesse called, he needs you to pick up Danny for the circle jerk!...TGIF...God I hate that saying...“I’m going to work”?...who the fuck cares?...I hate work…I certainly don’t want to be burdened with your suckfest life, too! 

Just because the little box at the top of the screen asks “what’s on your mind”, you don’t really have to answer if what’s on your mind really sucks.  Before you start typing, keep in mind that all of your people (friends, co-workers, associates, etc.) are going to be subjected to this remark.  Sure, it may not seem like much.  It may seem like you only wasted five seconds telling us that you were “watching TV then going to bed”.  But, it’s not just five seconds.  It’s more like 5 seconds to read, 30 seconds for us to calm ourselves down after realizing that you just fucked us out of part of our life, and then 30 seconds to talk ourselves out of driving over to your house and shoving your iPhone with the Facebook app up your ass.  Multiply this by every friend you have (let’s say 150) and this means you have just wasted nearly three hours of society’s time.  Three hours!  You shut down America’s workforce for three goddamn hours to tell us you were “brushing your teeth and then going to bed”.

Somewhere along the line we have lost track of this whole Web 2.0 thing.  Social networking sites have become inundated with crap messages from boring people who should probably go ahead and jump rather than bore us with their shitty Facebook updates and excruciating tweets.  This was not the point of these sites.  The point was to derive entertainment through interesting communications between acquaintances.  It is a chance for you to express your creativity and allow people a window into your life.  But nobody needs to look into these windows.

I know a girl on Facebook whose last ten posts were:

“off to work”

“1 more day until the weekend”

“is happy for TGIF”

“is home”

“is going to bed.  Night.”

“is off to work”

“enjoyed another day”

“says goodnight”

“is at work”

“is at work” (twice in a row)

Deleted.  Let me ask you: do you not want to lay a verbal beatdown on this chick?  Does this not anger you?  Why?  Why does she continue to do this?  Every day I opened Facebook and saw this.  EVERY DAY!

Let’s make a pact.  Let’s all agree that we will make an effort to make our Facebook status updates quasi interesting.  Even if we have to lie, let’s make an effort.  I’m okay with the fact that your life sucks.  It’s fine.  It’s nothing to be ashamed of.  The problem is, you can’t keep your cursor out of the “what’s on your mind box”.  If you refuse to just suffer through it (your life), at least lie to me.  This is your chance.  Make me believe that your life does not blow.  I’m fucking gullible…I’ll buy it!  Seriously.  

Here are some examples of improvements to social networking status updates: “Enjoyed another day” should be “got laid today…still spasming”.  “Says goodnight” could also be “need to stop spying on my hot neighbor as she undresses and get some sleep”.  “I’m at work” could be: “Jesus, I think the last girl on the pole farted”.  Instead of: "Work sucked", try "Wow, I feel like such a whore.  I worked the pole for eight straight hours and only managed one deep tuck".  Replace: "tired" with: "you might think goats are easy to control, but you obviously haven't tried to 'romance' one...those little suckers are squirmy, I'm all tuckered out".  “TGIF” (God I HATE that term) could be “sheeoot! Me and Uncle Skeeter’s gonna get us a sixer, tie one on, and go shootin’ this weekund!”

Come on friends.  Come on Facebookers.  Entertain me!  Make me smile.  Make me mad!  Make me hate you.  Make me admire you.  Make me jealous.  Make me hard...please.  For Christ’s sake, say something interesting or stop telling us what’s on your mind!  Before you place your cursor in the box, think.  Before you type, think.  As your typing, embellish.  If it comes down to it, flat out lie to me!  Whatever goes in that box needs to be interesting, funny, entertaining, or even irritating.  Otherwise, you have just wasted 3 hours of our time together as a society.

-B. Iconic