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Hello bikers! Let me clarify. By bikers, I am not referring to those people that ride Harleys or Hondas or crotch-rockets or anything else that can maintain a reasonable speed on the street and would be much too fast for the sidewalk. I want to be clear that I have no issue with those of you that choose to travel on two wheels, so long as the two wheels includes a motor that is capable of reaching speeds in excess of 40 mph. Those bikers are exempt from this dissertation. The “bikers” I am referring to are those that power their vehicles with their feet. We have a bit of a problem that needs to be addressed.
There is a growing trend that is increasingly disturbing to me. It is the trend of grownups dressing in “sponsorship” laden spandex with an onboard tushy pad, helmets, special shoes, tiny review mirrors attached to their noggins, and reflectors of all colors and sizes integrated into their “vehicle”/costume. Once they have their team “uniform” on, they venture out into traffic somehow believing that this clown suit has made them aerodynamic enough to increase their horsepower to a level that is sufficient to compete with automobiles.
Attention bikers: you are not Lance Armstrong. Just because you are in shape, you bought a yellow “live strong” rubber band, and your tushy cushion is made from memory foam, does not make you part of the team. It doesn’t. Did you get that? None of us think that you are on the team. Not one of us. We do not drive past you doing a double take. We do not secretly want to stop you for autographs and only resist the urge out of fear of disrupting what could be a world record time. We do not respect you more because your spandex is riddled with fake sponsors. We don’t believe that FedEX/Pepsi/USPS/Nike/Hoot
I live in Fishers. I travel through many other suburbs in and around the Indianapolis Metropolitan area. You know what I see a lot of? Sidewalks. Not just regular sidewalks. Big frickin’ sidewalks. Like over sized sidewalks that you could almost fit a car down. But of course, none of us car drivers (notice I used the term driver and not “rider” a subtle but important distinction) would ever make the mistake of thinking that we could travel in this luxurious sidewalk lane. No. Car drivers realize that there is a special place for cars. It’s called the street. It has lines and special lights and things like lanes that are slightly larger than our cars to accommodate them. There are posted signs that tell us how fast to go. Sometimes we go slow like…well…you. Other times, it is necessary for us to go fast like: “vroom vroom” (the sound of an engine). Notice I did not type “pant, pant” the sound of you trying to increase your speed.
Regardless, the special speed signs are a suggestion as to how we should proceed in this special area known as the street. The street is a special area for cars. There are lots of special areas. Here’s an example: Let’s say you’re at a restaurant. There’s a special place where you pee. It has a sign maybe several that designate that area for you. It’s a special room designed to keep the pee makers separate from the other patrons. Of course if you all of a sudden just decided to pee in a corner, the rest of the restaurant’s patrons would be disappointed in your actions and may confront you and ask you not to pee in the special dining area...as I am politely attempting to do right now. Sure some would not say anything to you. Others might just leave. Still others might support your cause and come up with catchy phrases like “share the road” or “pee where you like”. Some might think it a good idea to join you. However, the rest of us think…well…the rest of us think your arrogance and self-important actions suck. We think it’s horrible that you urinated in the restaurant, just like we think it sucks that you take up a lane in the special car area when you have freshly paved pedestrian lanes that the taxpayers built especially for you and the other self powered movers - simply because you feel you are above the rules. It’s as if you believe you can just pee wherever you like. You can't pee wherever you like.
And before you get all bent out of shape and scoff at the thought of being lumped in with walkers, let me assure you that just because you have a special uniform does not make you a car. Sure, that fancy space-age plastic pointy helmet will surely make you more aerodynamic and the new microfiber spandex will definitely alleviate some nasty chafing, but neither make you more like a car than a pedestrian. The fact of the matter is that the new larger sidewalks were designed to accommodate you AND the walkers. The road lanes are not larger. They still just fit cars. The sidewalks were developed with you in mind. They obviously were oversized for a reason other than because they had extra asphalt. They were laid down in smooth paths for your riding pleasure and steam rolled to protect your delicate tushies. They have no speed suggestions…you could go slow, or you could try to beat your personal best. You could even stop in the middle of your competition and refuel with a special "racing" snack if you like. They are yours, man! Enjoy them! Our gift to you! Call it a reward for making the “team”. Congrats! Yay! We have also built special parks, lanes, trails, all for you! We all chipped in to get you off the fucking street! Could you please show us all a bit of gratitude and use them?
Think about the worst traffic you have ever seen in the world. No..not New York, Chicago or LA. Those places are bad. There is a lot of traffic. But it moves in an orderly fashion. I’m talking really bad, inefficient traffic flows. The worst in the world. You’ve seen it on TV for sure. China. India. Places where populations are simply out of control - where there is complete chaos in the streets. No one goes anywhere. You know what they like to travel on…you got it…bikes! You ever seen that? Look like fun? That's going to be us soon! Then after that, who's to stop you from breaking out a rickshaw or farm animal to ride? Now’s the time to take a stand! Take a stand before it’s too late - before rickshaws and mules start becoming acceptable on our street. Do we want that? I’m telling you, we are on a slippery slope. We are headed right for mules and goats becoming acceptable modes of transportation on our streets. Trust me.
For Christ’s sake, please…I beg you…please, if you are traveling down a street with a sidewalk and you are on a bike…use it. There is no reason why those of us that choose to travel in our cars (presumably because we have somewhere to be and don’t have time to lolly-gagg and play dress-up in the middle of the special car lanes) should have to all line up behind you going half the speed limit, and then one by one pass you in some sort of special parade maneuver placing us in the path of oncoming traffic. There’s no reason for it.
Finally, let me confess to something. Yes it is me. I’m the guy that pulls up along side you and screams “you are not a car” or simply “not a car!” when I am forced to pass you. I have taught my kids to do it. They love it. They too now scream “not a car” as we pass you. I have suggested others do it, as well. It is not malicious. It is a simple reminder that in order for us all to get along, we should all do our part. If that means we have to accept your dress-up routine…fine. If I have to sip my Starbucks coffee while your perfectly defined spandex sausage “package” stares me in the face…fine. If it means that I have to watch certain bikers that are perhaps a little too large for two wheels wobble down the street in spandex while the wheels of your Lance Armstrong bike struggle to maintain a circular shape...fine. But for the love God, throw me a fucking bone, Sir Lancelot!
-B. Iconic
